


By the sea

by sadprincesskingdom



Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Depressed Thomas, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadprincesskingdom/pseuds/sadprincesskingdom
Summary: "I could barely remember my name, but when I saw you, I knew that I had to learn yours".OrThomas misses Newt way too much.
Relationships: Newt/Thomas (Maze Runner)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	By the sea

Watching the sea in front of me I try to forget everything, the cool breeze and the low sound of the water should be enough to numb the grotesque wound inside of me, which seems to never heal.   
If you were here right now, you’d tell me to take in a deep breath and relax my hands, but I can’t help but bend every muscle til I feel my nails cutting the flesh. I need this, I fucking do. This pain makes me feel alive, stuck to the ground you no longer belong, I feel the blood slide through the gaps of my albscent fingers. It’s as red as yours were once, but not as dark as the night that your clothes stained mine, taking with you an irreplaceable piece of my sanity.

  
If I close my eyes I can see yours looking back at me, the dilated pupils hiding the brownish color of it, but the sweetness still lingers. A shiver runs through the nape of my neck when I remember the never ending tears that were falling from your eyes, crashing down on to the ground, close to your feet. I could’ve had wiped them that night, like I always did, but the ache in your eyes paralyzed me. The same suffering I feel everytime I stretch my arm trying to reach you and don’t find you there by my side, or when I catch myself stuck in the memories of your smile, voice and scent. You’re here, yet you’re not, and it tears every inch of my soul apart. This pain, the one we share, it's unfair and makes me jealous of you, cause you only felt it for a couple of minutes before it all came to an end, but I’m living with it longer than my sanity can count.

  
Looking to the blue sky doesn’t help at all, it just reminds me of the day I saw you for the first time. Everything around me was dark next to the light you radiated, like the real sun of that bright sky. I could barely remember my name, but when I saw you, I knew that I had to learn yours.

  
I hear someone calling for me, but I stay still. If I get up I’ll have to go on with my pathetic routine of ignoring you from my most banal thoughts, cause for me you’re never really gone, not in the slightest. I try one more time to pay attention to the sea and breeze that surround me, craving for just one instant of peace where I forget about the terrible feeling of missing you.

  
If I put effort into it, I can still hear your voice. Not like a mere memory, no. I can hear the soft tune that you only used for me, _Tommy_ , you’d whisper. At that time I didn’t understand, now I know that there was a lot more feelings under it that I could’ve imagined. If only I’ve had given attention to the subtle changes of your voice... Like the way it cracked when we used to talk about the past, the words always struggling to get out, too painful to be spoken out loud. Or when you laughed, that laugh that filled all the corners of my soul and I didn’t understand why -there was so much I didn’t understand-, I could hear all your voice chords trembling, tickling your throat. I could tell how you were by the way your voice entered my ears, but I was stupid enough to let some words escape from me, maybe things would’ve been different.

  
To watch the blood of my hands fall down to the sand, dyeing it in such a ugly way, makes me ashamed of my own misery. You’re gone, but you left me here alone. I’m trying not to get mad, it wasn’t your fault, I tell myself, but this emptiness is corrosive, if only you knew how much it hurts you would’ve had fighted more. I’m holding onto the fantasy that you would’ve had taken one more step, breathed deep one more time, would’ve cling onto me just like I was doing with you, desperately trying to bring you with me. I gotta fool myself imagining that if you really loved me, you would’ve had never let me live in this world without you.

  
Someone’s calling my name again, but it isn’t you, it will never be. I finally give up on trying to forget you for at least one second, it’ll be impossible til the day my heart stops beating, so I just get up and head towards the water. One time you told me that you had never seen the sea, or didn’t remember it at least, I promised you we’d see it one day. Together.  
You never had the chance to see the sun reflected on the bright blue water, nor heard the constant sound of the waves breaking, let alone feel the gentle wind with salt and sand. But I’m here for you, for everything we’ve been through together and everything that only existed in our imagination, I’m here because altough you’re not here with me to tell you face to face, I love you. I love you more than ever, more than the first time I saw you, more than the day I lost you forever. And this love is the only thing that’s been keeping me alive although the heartache's too much, cause if I go join you wherever you are, there’ll be no one left to tell our story.

  
The tragic story of two people that loved each other deeply, but at the wrong time. People that could’ve had it all, if only they didn’t give in to fear. I was so obsessed trying to just survive, that I forgot I could’ve had lived with you, and for that I’m eternally sorry. All the times that I think about it a noxious anger fills me, I was the one who caused all this suffering. You were right there next to me, and I was so blind for not realizing that living with love it's hundred times better than just living. The irony’s that now that you’re gone, the light of my life, the only reason I can find to stay in this world it’s the memory of you.

  
The water touches my feet and I look over the horizon, wondering if you’re there somewhere in the infinity watching me just like I do when I look at the sky. My sun, now you shine so bright among the clouds, just as warm as you always were. Without thinking twice I dive into the ocean, trying vainly to have the cold water washing up my scars, I miss you too much to them go away.

  
I love you, Newt. I’m sorry for not saying it while we still had time, you left without knowing that you were taking my heart with you.

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy, this is a translation of a work of mine, since english isn't my first language I'd appreciate if you guys correct me in case I made any mistakes!  
> the original one is in portuguese, so this was kinda hard to translate haha a lot of words I used don't exist in english, so you can imagine the struggle  
> anyways, I really hope you guys liked it, Newt's my baby so writing this gave me a heartache :(  
> thanks for reading it and giving my bilingual ass a chance!!


End file.
